Bravery and Fear

It is the end of 2014 and I did not achieved anything this year all because of I do not know how to cope with feelings. I rushed into making decisions and goals based on very uncertain relationships. I took love too seriously. I need to re-plan all of my route which I did not follow since the beginning of the year. I want to start growing again. When I decided to grow again, there is another voice inside my mind. It says:'Why bother to grow? There won't be anyone by your side when you reach your destination.' I was afraid that no one is going to be by my side when I get what I wanted and I ceased to achieve. That's when I remember a story: a grandpa is telling about the battle that goes inside people to his grandson. 'There are two wolves constantly battling inside people's mind: one is good and one is evil. The bad wolf represents anger, jealousy, self-pity, greed, arrogance and all of the bad attributes while the good wolf represents joy, peace, love, hope, kindness and all of the good attributes.' The grandson, after pausing for a while asked: "Which wolf wins?" and the grandpa answered: "The one that you feed." When I first heard of this story, I do not really feel what does it mean until now. I need to feed the good wolf and starve the bad. Only that I will grow. The challenge is to kick start and stay consistent with it.

Heart Alone

方向

以为已找到一条可走的路， 当我勇敢的踏出第一步时却跌到了，才发现这条路只是个虚幻。站了起来后， 退了两步。想拾回掉落的信心，梦想，快乐，从新寻找新的方向。可是我却在退两步后坐了下来， 凝望着那条原以为可以穿梭的路。什么时候才要站起来寻回那个在跌倒时不见了的信心， 梦想，和快乐？然后继续向前走。

Invisible Wounds are Harder to Heal than Physical Ones

I thought that it is fine to meet her with other friends after so long a time, but I was wrong. Putting too much empathy on her well being sometimes can be detrimental to my heart.
For the past year, I was living in the future when we were meeting and after she told me that we cannot be together, I was living in the past. What I want now is to live in the present. I feel empty and depressed and I want to get out of it. Socializing and comfort from friends is just temporary, I need to work on myself. At first I thought that I wasted a lot of time on this, but this is growing process. I stumbled upon a site that talks about the science of positive psychology, something which is not new to me and maybe this can help me to start believing in life and what ever I do again.

Chances

To my 18 years old self,

I know that you are doing great. You will be going to pre-university education at the same place as your high school. What I want to say is what comes after pre-university education.
If you had the chance for pre-university, try get into accounting class instead of science class. However, studying sciences at that time is still fine. After your pre-education university, you will have to make a choice to go to which university and what to study. At this point, I feel that you should take business or finance related courses as these fields will be more related to how we live our lives. Study in local university if possible because at least you will be able to say the final good bye to your grandma. After that you can pursue your masters overseas.

After joining the work force, you will make bold decision for your financial status. You will commit into a financial plan, which is a mistake that I learned. Get out of any plans which need to pay any fees up front, it will burn a hole in your wallet and will take a long time to gain back what is lost back from the market. You will start to venture into the market by yourself and start to learn your own philosophy about it.

As for your love life, please treat your friends as just friends. You will come to love a girl that you know since primary school. You will learn that love is painful if you love her and you will wish that you never know her from the beginning. Go out to know more people, choose who you want to love from them, not from your friends. Also, is good to expand your network as you do not know who will be able to help you in the future.

We take chances everyday in our lives when we make decisions. Take it while you are able to recover, make bold moves and learn from your mistakes. You must stand up again and again when you fall even if it means sacrificing intangible relationship. You will lose a lot but you will gain more.

Your 26 year-old buddy

Relationship

I think I will put aside my relationship first since she said she is more comfortable as friends.  It is hard for me to keep in contact and hence I have decided to cut her off from my life. I know I still love her and miss her and hopefully time will wash away everything that I have for her. Sending her flowers to her office personally is just a fantasy. Taking her to a scrumptious restaurant with musics playing in the background is just an imagination. Going out during Valentines day is just a thought. Asking the uncle musician near my place to sing a song for her for the night is just a dream. Making a birthday video with her friends and family inside, posting on her birthday on Facebook is just an idea that would never come true. The dolphin that I bought last year will ended up somewhere else instead, since she loves dolphin so much. Growing together as a couple and going through the ups and downs of life won't be happening for us. How I wish everything will come together but reality hurts. I love when I love and I know it won't be fair to my future spouse if I don't cut this off now. The past is behind now, it is time to move on, Shawn. Now that I have to focus on building up myself, my business, and my investment. For the past one year plus while I was waiting for her, I was slowly succumbing to the daily ordinary work life that is very routine. Something need to be changed that I know.

2014 Resolution

2014 is already here.
Here's what I want to do in 2014:
1) Spend more time with my family
2) Learn Visual Basic on Excel
2) Further develop communication skills
3) Complete exams related to building efficiency
4) Create passive income of SGD 1000 monthly from business
5) Create passive income of SGD 1000 annually from stock market
6) Start to look further into CFA II
7) Build up a healthy body

Hope that I can achieve them. Start planning and take action!!