Still

After so long a time, I finally let her know that I love her. But she is still holding onto her past relationship, her heart is still broken. And still, my heart is still weary and in pain. How should I love a girl with a broken heart? I think all of it doesn't matter anymore since she said she is not in for a relationship. Should I let her go or should I wait for her? A lot of questions running inside my mind to be answered. It hurts me to know that she is still living in her past. Now it is a bit hard for me to smile at other people, even if I smiled, I know that sometimes I am just faking it. Inside of me I am not really smiling. How should I walk out of this mess? I wish I know. Or is time the only cure for all of this? My life was still for the past one year because of this. I really want to resume my life, I don't want to spill all of this over to next year now that the end of the year is closing in. How should I proceed? I wish I know.

Back

I met with the musician at the tunnel today. He is back singing as always. However, I will not be the same again. I am really weary and tired.

Heart

Whenever she told about her ex, it's like a knife poking at my heart. Sooner or later my heart will run dry of blood and cease to beat.Whenever I saw couples together in the train station or at the road, I will purposefully direct my vision to other direction. I don't want to see them. I woke up in the middle of the night and tears started to ooze out from my eye. I have no control over it. I am really tired and sick of these feelings. Tomorrow will be her first paper, hope she will do well at it.

Darkness

I noticed recently that the musician used to play guitar and has a beautiful vocal singing in a tunnel connecting the train station and residential area was not there anymore. The last time I saw him was when I was on my way to take a train. A few cops were talking to him and at that time there was a kid of primary school age following him on his singing thing. I can see that the cops are demanding something from him and he do not have the necessary documents that permits him to carry on his enjoyment. Every time I pass by I noticed he is really enjoying what he is doing and every time I pass by I do not stop at there and listen to the songs. He is in fact very good in singing English songs. I would imagine that some day I would bring the love of my life to there and ask him to sing some nice love songs for her. But now it seems to be just a dream. There seems to be something missing when he is gone. The tunnel had become a bit lonely with a bit of sorrow.

Speaking of the love of my life, whenever I look at other girls, pretty or not, I still think that she is prettier. She said she is heavy but I see she is very cute. I wonder how she's coping with her coming two exams. I hope she won't burst into tears when she is having a hard time memorizing her materials and hope that she can get the grade that she wanted. She always study at the eleventh hour, who doesn't? It's just exams after all. Everyday I will wonder is she taking proper meals and taking care of her health by not staying up til late night. I just found out that she is still recovering from breaking off with her ex. After that I feel strangely depressed for no reason. I am suffocating. My heart feel like bleeding and crying out at the same time. She is in my mind when I was awake in the morning, travelling to work, working, and even now when I was writing this. Why am I experiencing this? I have no idea. What should I do? Maybe I am afraid. I feel maintaining a relationship is very heavy for me. I still have a lot to learn. But what should I do? I feel lost.

Decisions Decisions

Chinese New Year had passed by for a couple of weeks. Reunited for a few days with family, relatives and friends. This year is a rather busy new year to begin with. We visited relatives from both sides of my parent starting from the first day of new year until the fourth day. Reunite during this special occasion every year and part to continue to pursue our dreams or rather going back to the capitalized and materialized world struggling for survival. What's the point of it recurring year after year? Why can't we just do whatever we like and stay together with our loved ones? What drives the system to evolve to this current stage?

I watched Cloud Atlas today before this film is being taken down from the big screen soon. Why I wanted to watch? Because I happened to know that this film was being directed by the same director as The Matrix trilogy and co-directed by the director of Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. There are six stories being told in the film happening in the past, present, and future and each are indirectly related by means of published books and musical piece in each stories. I find the film a bit gore in some scene, nonetheless one of the story are quite humorous regarding four elderly escaping from an old-folks home. One of the themes (I think) in the story regarding a journey of a lawyer in the 19th centuries and in the story setting in the post-future world where human civilization was returned to the ancestral type with hunters and witch-crafts surrounds in the idea of the strong will rule over the weak or it just happened to be. In overall, I think the word 'decisions' can be used to summarized the whole film where each decisions made in the past will form the present which leads to the happenings in the future. Oh ya, the original story is from a novel by David Mitchell and the musical piece, Cloud Atlas Sextet is mixed with a bid of sadness and fantasy inside.

A lot had happened in the past two months and I need to make some important decisions this week on where to go in the future. I hope of what I make will be a wise and fulfilling one.

New Year Resolution

2013 is here and Chinese New Year is just around the corner!!! I saw on newspaper and listened to radio about new year resolution or goal setting. I don't recall my last year's resolution and this year I am going to set a few. Goals should be small, specific and achievable rather than big ones because small specific goals will lead us to ponder how to achieve it and large goals will just slip pass out minds. What I will set are financial goals and health goals. This 2013 is going to be a great year ahead.

There is a nice new year song by Malaysian artists called《新年好心情好》. This song is a collaboration between One Fm, Ntv7, and 8TV thus the artists in this collaboration are named 178, which also means 一起发, prosper together.

Live the Moment

It's been years since I last logged into this account and have new post. After so long I left this blog and now coming back, the first thing that I realize is the interface for writing a new blog post had changed!! It looks more user-friendly and hope it will be easy to use =)

Yesterday while I was on MRT back to my home, I saw a scenario that catches my eye. A woman and her daughter was coming in from one of the stations and in the woman's hand there was an iphone. She was very occupied with her phone from the moment she sat down and until she left the train. Her daughter, around early primary school age, on the other hand, had no phone but a sling bag. A lot of the times she was looking at her mother, wanting to get attention from her mother. I can tell from the daughter's face that she was disappointed. She was smiling looking up at her mother but frowning looking down. This continues to happened for sometime. Even when they are having a conversation, only the daughter was looking at her mom while her mother's sight still hanging on the iphone screen.

 Sometimes technologies which are suppose to bring us closer together are preventing our interactions, defeating the purpose of it. The things that are very dear to us comes at no cost at all but we indulge and treasure the materials that relates to monetary value. I hope that all of us can realize that there are more important things that need our attention than physical stuffs. However, a lot of the times, conditions need to be met before we can really be with our loved ones.